Here’s how this works: a company buys ad time and hires an agency to create a commercial worthy of airing in the Super Bowl. And based on the results, I try to figure out who they think their audience is. Let’s proceed:

Verizon Droid
For the people who miss their childhood Spirographs.

Old Navy

For people who mock Corporate Cowboys. Is that a thing?

For people who love the Rocky theme song, fear not living up to it, and are susceptible to peer pressure.

Bud Light Platinum Lager
For people who want to pretend they’re not drinking Bud Light.

For vampires who love cookouts, and inadvertent murder-suicides. Possibly for Van Helsing.

For people who see Elton John as a dictator, and do not remember that Aretha Franklin is still with us.

Hyundai Veloster Turbo

For cheetahs who have had enough of that nonsense.

Chevy trucks
For men who love Barry Manilow, surviving the apocalypse, and Twinkies.
For people who pee in the pool.

For people who like dogs, but miss that Vader kid.

Chevy Sonic
For people who want a car name that uses the same letters as Scion.

For people who like to see babies and grandmas get revenge on chip-hoarding brats.

Star Wars in 3D
For people who want to ride “Star Tours,” but can’t afford a ticket to Disneyland. (Put that way, this may actually be a valid reason to see “The Phantom Menace” again.)

For people who don’t realize that you can hear the car from inside the house.

Oikos Yogurt
For people who want to head-butt John Stamos.

Century 21
For Century 21 agents.

Jack in the Box
For people who love bacon so much they want to marry it. And are creepy.

Bud Light
For people who feel good about adopting rescue dogs. As they should.

And as a final note, there’s “Battleship.” Liam Neeson, what on earth did you buy?